There is no coming back
by Zoe-eoZ
Summary: ... or is there? Season 2 / Episode 8: Spacewalker - Finn is dealing with what he's done... WAIT: When did things start to go so wrong? Chapter 3: Rewrite of season 2 begins. (Bellamy-Finn friendship / probably Bellarke)
1. Why?

_I forgot to say..._

 _I'm only now starting to watch the show so I'm sure it's nothing new to you. Don't mind me while I'm trying to come to terms with things long past..._

 _I'm hoping to delve more into the show and explore different things. (Among them Finn - Bellamy bromance, which, sadly, doesn't seem to be a thing on here. But so as not to spoil myself I've only been reading fanfic from the early seasons so far...)_

 _Anyways. I figured I might as well put this out there. I wrote it right after the - to me - random change in Finn that led to the massacre. As I already knew there was no coming back from that for him. Only had to change it slightly to stay in canon after "Spacewalker" aired._

* * *

...

When Finn snaps, when even the resident lunatic crazy ass killer is shocked at his erratic, terrifying behavior and tries holding him back, it doesn't even register with Finn yet what the hell he is doing. All he can think of is the loss, the pent up fear and worry and the exploding sense of loss and loneliness, the too strong urge of having to protect what little is left.

...

It is not until much later, after Clarke backs away from him, after they all walk back to the remains of the ark in complete silence, that he surfaces out of the depth of whatever fog clouded his brain and he bites down on the inside of his lower lip so hard he draws blood to stop himself from allowing the disgust and despair over his own actions to wash over him and eradicate the last bit of his former self.

...

What the fucking hell happened to him?! ( _He died, that's what. He got assassinated_.)

…

When he realizes what he did, that he unleashed a monster he hadn't known lived inside of him, he knows he can't ever come back from that. Even if he manages to keep that monster at bay, chained up deep inside of him, it will forever be there. It has tainted everything.

18 people lost their lives because of him. They will forever stay dead. He massacred them, and his soul. There is no coming back from that.

The repercussions, the terror and grief he caused— The thought makes his throat constrict; his heart feels like it is about to implode. He knows he has to face the guilt but it is so damn hard. How can he ever live with what he has done? Anguished, he kneels down, burying his face in his hands.

He can't...

There is only one way to stop a war between them and the grounders. What he did (they call it a massacre, and they are right, but…), it is the reason his people are in this dire position, that they are all in danger.

Clarke.

His reflection in her eyes shows just a boy, but the terror in her expression tells him what she really sees.

He clenches his teeth, disillusioned, empty.

He thought he had lost everything. Everyone. He thought that Clarke was being tortured, or worse. That they were all just bait to those people and that life was...

No, he doesn't get to make excuses. He has fucked up beyond recognition. He snapped so bad he can't even comprehend it. Straight out of left-field, that's what it feels like, and suddenly his life is completely derailed.

He wants to believe this isn't him. But it is. It has always been inside of him. Must have been...

Innocent people died because of him. Children… He doesn't deserve to continue living among his own. He will only endanger them.

He can't even trust himself. He feels so defeated, desperate. Alone.

It has always been him, the lost one. Not them. Not his people. Not Clarke.

Just Finn.

Now he won't ever be found.

...

He loves her. Clarke Griffin entered his life when he believed he would never see his girlfriend, his first love again. He had forced himself not to dwell on that feeling of loss, to look ahead instead. And then he saw her, the beautiful princess, and before he really knew what was happening, his heart had already decided that she was special, that he could love her. That he did. (He does.)

Not all was over after all and life on earth held promises of its own. It hadn't been so hopeless anymore.

But then…

...

He doesn't understand how it could turn into something so dark.

Now Clarke is disgusted by him, or shocked at the very least. Disappointed. Appalled by his actions. His murders. He is a monster. He can't stand to see that in her eyes. He can't stand himself, having to be with himself.

All he ever wanted was a peaceful place to live, to roam free without constraints. The Ark sent them all down here, to earth, to fend for themselves.

Finn failed.

It is time to pick up the pieces, to try and do something to right the wrongs. It will never be enough, he is painfully aware of that, but he has to try regardless. This is not about him anymore. His story is, sadly, over. He knows it. He'll be a footnote in the others' stories. And he is strangely okay with that. All he wants now, is for them to be okay, to continue on with their tales.

...

He walks up to the grounders, head held high, admitting defeat. Surrendering.

He is walking to his own execution, there is no doubt about that. It won't be pleasant, he knows it. All he hopes is that he'll be able to make it without screaming out too much. Maybe he'll pass out sooner rather than later, sparing himself the worst. But it's unlikely and of course he doesn't deserve it.

There's no easy way out for someone like him.

This has to end. He can't do this much longer. He wants to die. (No, he doesn't. It's just, he doesn't know _how_ to continue on...)

He has become someone he can't live with. Someone he can't forgive.

He was once the spacewalker that had never actually taken that walk, just made a dream come true then saved a life. The kid that liked to roam around, liked to help people. The free spirit with the many dreams and hopes and ideas. The one who hated violence.

Now, he is the merciless killer, the bringer of war.

No. He will become the bringer of peace. (He has to see it that way, he _has_ to, because otherwise...)

...

As he sees his people in the distance, he feels awkward and terrified, his guilt and shame for the world to see, and he is ready for it all to be over. But he is also so very scared. He wants to live. _He wants to live._ He's not ready yet to die, but he also can't live with himself anymore. It's all a jumble of paradox feelings tearing him apart. It's too much.

And then he sees her emerge out of the masses, headed toward him, and it's a miracle he doesn't break down in sobs, bound to the pole, waiting for his painful death, but she is here, and he at least gets to say goodbye.

His heart aches, his throat is barely working when he sees what he has done to her, too. He's hurt her too much. All he wanted was to protect her, save her, find her. But what he did…

He shudders as she hugs him, her touch a consolation he didn't know he needed. And then she speaks.

She says she loves him. After everything he put her through, she understands his confused logic, sees behind the jumbled mess, sees _him_. One last time, she opens her heart to let him in, and it is more than he could have hoped for.

Consolation. Salvation.

He clenches his jaw against the pain. The tears in her eyes… The tears in his.

She doesn't have to forgive him. He knows she can't. Because he can't either. But knowing that she loves him despite what he did, means everything. Proves that he is still in there. Not just the monster.

Just Finn. The boy worth loving.

He will be okay, she says. It will all be okay. The way she says it... He doesn't have to ask what he can't bring himself to ask. He could never place that burden on her.

But then he feels a sudden pain pierce his chest and he instantly knows what she is doing. She understood. He didn't have to say anything.

"Thank you, princess," he whispers as she saves him from what he was so afraid of: the torture, the pain, but most of all: himself, from having to live with an impossible guilt, and all he hopes is that she will come out of it alright.

It's just a few seconds between the moment she pierces his heart and his death, but to him, there lies forever in between.

As the life drains out of him quickly he spirals down into new worlds and images before he's even left this earth. Pictures, images of happier times… the sky, vast, the trees, so green, rain on his skin, a sweet smell in his nostrils. Raven's smile as she floats out into space for the first time.

Clarke. Her touch against his skin. Her hair against his face, his head sinking against her shoulder, breathing her in one last time.

Clarke...

Finn's mind grows calm, acceptance washing over him in waves, Clarke the anchor that holds him in place.

Then… peace. Finally.

It is over.


	2. Here

STOP.

"He got assassinated..."

Where? Where did it go so wrong? When? What happened?

Rewind:

As Clarke blurs back, the small metal blade slipping back into her sleeve, Finn's head lifts up.

She walks back, away from him where he stands pushed against the pole, his arms getting unbound as Clarke vanishes out of the Grounders' camp as if she had never been there.

He's not dead anymore. But he's still fucked. And still fucked up.

* * *

...

His death is not the answer. This is not where things went wrong. (If anything, this is where they went right again.)

Further back then…

The massacre reverts itself, Finn walks back, the bullets flying back into his gun, people reviving as the metal leaves their body. No one ever jumps over the fence, Finn never feels threatened (is that what it was?), he never shoots.

Not here, at least. Not in the village.

Bu he's tense, he's a bomb ready to go off. He's carrying a weapon like it's his business now.

He used to believe in "no violence," but he's still killed that grounder they interrogated as if it was nothing. Something doesn't add up.

* * *

…

A little more rewinding. Looking for the clues…

They find the survivors from the Ark hanging off a cliff. But Finn doesn't care, he wants to let them hang there until they've found Clarke - and the others, but it's like this Finn forgot about everyone else.

He's not right in the head. Whatever happened, it happened earlier.

* * *

...

They're in the bunker. They interrogate the grounder. Finn is awfully tense and… cold. Un-Finn.

He isn't against using violence.

Bellamy is the voice of reason. Some lines can't be uncrossed, he tells Finn…

He's right, of course. We've seen the outcome.

But Finn doesn't care. He takes matters into his own hands. He shoots the Grounder.

* * *

…

Stop. Again.

The grounder comes back to life as Finn steps into the shadows. He doesn't have Clarke's watch anymore.

They're out of the bunker…

They're back with the people from the Ark. Kane does his spiel. Power relations get remixed.

Murphy gets a pardon, Bellamy gets locked up. Finn is… confused? Without moral or emotional footing. Nothing makes sense anymore.

They were sent down to earth by these people, left to fend for themselves. But now they are back and think they can bring the old rules back, the old power structures.

The Ark-survivors use the kids as pawns in a game of sorts. Kane tells them one thing, Abby another. She doesn't necessarily care about the kids, yet in a way she does. They're her business, because Clarke is one of them. And since her daughter is now gone, she decides to work with the kids that are there. Against Kane's orders.

She gives Finn a gun. Sends him on his way.

It breaks everything apart.

* * *

...

Somewhere here… somewhere here perhaps.

* * *

…

A little further back, just to make sure…

Clarke is in the dropship. She sees Bellamy, and the grounder. He won't be able to make it in time before they have to fire up the thrusters. He will die. She is frozen.

Finn jumps out. He got this. Anything for the princess. Anything for his people.

(Or really just all for Clarke? Do we need to go back further?)

* * *

…

They find the bunker, they tear their clothes off, two teenagers looking desperately for the touch of another, for something raw and real that doesn't have anything to do with the violence of their world.

They'll blame Finn for this, later. Not without reason. They'll say he cheated on Raven.

Is this it, then? Is he a cheater? A player? A bad person deep down?

Or just a lost boy who loves a girl he has all the reason to believe he'll never ever see again?

People in this world aren't broken up about somebody's death for longer than a day it seems, so is it hard to believe they move on as quickly as they do in other matters?

This is a tough one. He sure could have handled it better. Could have cleared the situation up multiple times.

Clarke and Raven both would have probably forgiven him and moved on. Clarke would have still slept with him, (probably).

Raven would have been spared some heartbreak upon her arrival.

She was right. They could have waited for a little longer than ten days…

* * *

…

Or the spacewalk?

Finn wants to do Raven a favor, wants to let her see what she won't otherwise be able to see and experience.

He'll get blamed for it. For wasting all that oxygen. He'll be called reckless. He does everything for the person(s) he loves, no matter the cost.

But is this what happened here?

He didn't think this would happen, he had no reason to. He didn't cause the break.

One could argue it's not his fault the 300+ people later die to save up oxygen for their loved ones. No one but a select few even knew that the situation was that dire.

Bellamy took out the wristbands. If he hadn't, would Jaha have sent people down earlier, in time?

There would still not have been enough room. But they could have maybe come up with the same plan of sending the whole Ark down…

Not to mention all the other dead (the grounders burning around the dropship, the dead way way later when the Mountain Men bomb Tondc…)

* * *

…

Fast Forward then. We'll let this pass. This is all in character. He has flaws, he's only human.

Forward...

Finn is still alive. So are the others.

Forward to the dropship, to the moment he jumps out of the ship to help Bellamy. The last time he truly seems to be himself.

We'll start there again. See where it takes us this time.

See whether we can't save him. Somehow. Or, at the very least, make his descent more relatable…

Yes. Let's start…

Here.


	3. Out of the dropship, into the frying pan

_To be quite honest, I'm not sure what this is. (Other than fun to write.) I may just be writing this for myself (although: thanks here for those daring two people that decided to follow along - at least for a bit...)_

 _If anyone has any requests, remarks, ideas, I'm all ears! :)_

 _This, then, is my lonely place on the Internet, where I can try things out._

* * *

...

* * *

...

Finn jumps out of the dropship into his doom, but he can't not do it. One of them is out there, Bellamy is out there, and he has seen it in Clarke's eyes, she needs him to survive. She needs Bellamy.

It hurts for only a split second, the realization. He is just a teenaged boy after all, and even in war, even in times like these, he can't help what he's feeling, or that he stupidly fell in love with her.

But all that matters is that she is okay and that he does everything in his power to make sure of that. Which includes rescuing Bellamy.

Tristan is punching the life out of the taller older boy as Finn rushes over, scrambling to find something to quickly come to Bellamy's aid. They don't have much time.

Jasper will soon fire up the thrusters and everything around the dropship will get incinerated. Finn is hoping he and Bellamy will make it out before being burned to cinders.

There. A rock, not big, but hopefully big enough to cause some damage. His nostrils flared, he takes a deep breath, the door of the dropship in his back whooshing closed. They have seconds at best. Bellamy's face is a pulp. Tristan is strong and feral and…

Finn shudders as the rock connects. He closes his eyes upon impact, just for a second. Tristan falls down, felled like a tree. At least Finn has good aim.

He pulls at Bellamy.

"Come on, man, we gotta run!" He yells. Bellamy stares up at him, dazed, not all there. It's on Finn to do the thinking. And the walking. He half drags Bellamy with him, away from the other grounders. Finn feels someone crash into them, he gets pummeled. But he doesn't let go of Bellamy and he doesn't stay down. They got to run.

"There'll be a freaking blast! If you want to survive you better run!" He tells anyone who'll listen. Which is pretty much no one. But they press onward, toward the woods, away from the dropship, as far as their legs carry them - as far as Finn's legs carry them.

Another grounder lunges at him, Finn's face crushes into the ground, he breathes in dirt and almost chokes. He can't get back up, there's too many on top of them now, like in one of those heaps of people he has seen in those old games of football.

Back on the Ark.

Will he die buried under bodies? He is still holding Bellamy's hand, a pathetic gesture, really, but comforting nonetheless. They exchange a look, their faces close together now, their eyes wide. There's fear, and maybe a hint of acceptance.

"Clarke?" Bellamy rasps out and Finn can only answer with his eyes and a half nod, no words make it past his lips. He has no breath left.

Bellamy seems to calm when he has the confirmation. The princess is safe.

And then there's nothing but heat and an existential feeling of panic and doom as the air gets sucked away around them, the world exploding in screams. They'll get burnt alive. It's the worst death.

Is this why they came down here? To die in a worse fashion than floating?

* * *

…

"Finn. Finn!"

Bellamy kneels down beside him, trying to get him to open his eyes. But Finn is still out.

They don't quite know how they made it, the bodies of the grounders must have given them enough cover from the licks of the fire, and once they managed to get out from under there, the worst of the explosion had been over and with a last rush of adrenaline they had raced away into the woods, where they had collapsed.

As Bellamy tries to comprehend what happened, Finn sleeps the slumber of almost-death.

* * *

…

Bellamy sucks in air between his teeth as he's trying to take care of the scrapes and scraps on his body.

There's a large burn on his left side, his shirt hanging in tatters off of him. He could use some help, but his only companion is unconscious - has now been unconscious for a worryingly long time, and Bellamy is beginning to think that he might be alone in all of this.

They can't go back yet to check on the dropship, look for survivors, because there are people in the woods, too many, and they are just two people, or maybe just one.

Bellamy starts to feel doomed. He looks over to Finn, sighing tiredly as he does. Is the kid lost without Clarke's medical expertise? Is _he_ lost?

He hopes Clarke is okay, because if she isn't, if Octavia isn't, if the dropship is lost, then there's nothing left.

* * *

…

Finn groans. His hand moves up to his head, streaky hair plastered to his face, and he flinches when a shadow appears in his vision, but as it morphs into Bellamy, Finn relaxes. As much as his body allows. He tries to sit up, swaying dangerously as he does.

"Whoa whoa, Spacewalker. Easy now." Bellamy moves to help him, grabs him by the shoulders, and Finn hisses in pain under the touch.

"Don't call me that." His voice comes out as nothing but a hoarse breath. He clutches his throat and grimaces.

Bellamy tilts his head, scrutinizing him. "Spacewalker?"

Finn makes a face.

"I guess it doesn't matter anymore, so... Funny story - or, probably not - but I never took a spacewalk."

Bellamy frowns. Finn has a pretty nasty gash on his temple that Bellamy tried to clean up as best as he could, but the kid definitely has a concussion, and Bellamy isn't sure what to make of his words. Finn is quite obviously still confused.

He holds out his canteen, freshly filled with water and offers some to Finn.

"Come on, drink. Slowly."

Too late. Finn is gulping the liquid down like a starved man coming out of a desert, and before he knows it, he bends over and the contents of his stomach land in a gory puddle right next to him. They both grimace; Finn apologizes quietly.

"Told you to drink slowly." Bellamy can't help the reprimand. But Finn looks like a beat up puppy, and despite their not too friendly relationship, he feels nothing but sympathy for the kid right now.

Finn rolls his eyes, but nods, wiping his sour mouth with the back of his bloody looking hand. He only notices it after the fact, and his grimace hardens.

Bellamy breaks into a heartfelt chuckle.

"Yeah, we could use a shower and some bandages. But something tells me that's not gonna happen for a while."

"We need to check on Clarke and the others." Finn gives him a look and Bellamy nods. "She'll be glad you're okay."

"And you."

The Spacewalker - or not-Spacewalker, Bellamy will have to ask him about that again sometime, see how badly the concussion damaged the kid's memory - makes a face. Sad, defeated. Bellamy's smile becomes warmer.

"You screwed up there, didn't you? Raven… Clarke…" Of course he only knows half of it, but he can read between the lines and theirs is not a high literature novel, just a sad teenage love triangle circling around a boy who was too lazy or too pathetic or too cocky to fess up before getting it on with another girl.

"Honestly, man. Can't blame you for getting with Clarke. Nobody knew anyone would be coming down from the Ark. But, I don't know, maybe growing up with a mom and sister has taught me a thing or two. It's always better to be open about stuff like that, or it gets messy." He gives the younger one a pointed look, acutely aware that he didn't even try to argue. "And I think we can agree that things down here are already messy enough."

"That we can," Finn agrees soberly, then carefully hoists himself up, closing his eyes to fight the vertigo.

"We can rest a little longer. You don't look so hot."

But they both know that time is crucial, and to be honest, Bellamy would like to make sure that his sister and the others (Clarke...) are all okay, and it won't hurt to have someone look at his and Finn's injuries, either.

"I'm fine. I survived a poisoned dagger." Finn tries to smile, but the expression gets lost somewhere between one corner of his mouth and the other.

"Alright then." Bellamy goes for a chipper tone, patting Finn on the shoulder as he walks past him. "Let's go."

And they do.

They have no idea, yet, what will await them at the dropship, but Bellamy hopes everyone will be fine. He needs some good news.

His side is killing him, and broody Finn isn't helping.


End file.
